Al Bundy

March 06 2012

 Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me. 


Al Bundy

June 15 2009

 There will be many women in your life, son

but the one you got revenge on will be the sweetest of them all! 


Al Bundy

April 04 2009

 Doesn't the Constitution guarantee us the right to Life, Nudity, and the Pursuit of Happiness? 


Al Bundy

November 13 2008

 I guess that's what my horoscope meant when it said, "KABOOM" 


Al Bundy

May 14 2008

 Let me give you a little bit of advice about women...

Bed them, don't wed them

Do them, don't woo them

Date them, don't mate them



Al Bundy

January 06 2008

 Okay, I'll tell you a nice Christmas story. Gather 'round Uncle Al.

Alright, that's close enough. Alright, here we go:

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the house,

no food was a stirring, not even a mouse.

Stockings were hung 'round dad's neck like a tie,

along with a note that said "presents or die".

Children were plotting all nigh 


Al Bundy

May 12 2006

 Once upon a time there was a man who sold shoes. He was a good man, but somehow good things never came to him. Did I mention he was a great athlete in High School? People cheered him. That was before the... red thing appeared. Darkness fell on shoe town.

Who would take on the red beast? Who would battle it? Who would marry it? The little shoe man stepped forward... or perhaps the others just stepped back. At any rate, an unholy union was born, so were two unholy children.

And the lowly shoe man, who once had been a mighty athlete in High School and scored four touchdowns in one game, and had many offers to junior colleges and could have made something with his life, laid down and died. The end. 


Al Bundy

March 28 2006

 I Care by Al Bundy

When hooters jiggle around,

and I find nickels on the ground, I care.

When a mustang engine purrs,

and the bathroom is not hers, I care.

When the pitcher's on the mound,

and the wife is underground, I care.

But when I've been playing this for days,

I will kill anyone who stays, I swear!

At the Nudie Bar

Where the music stinks, and they water the drinks, the nudie bar.

Where the girlies dance in their underpants, the nudie bar.

Where you see their butt, and their trap stays shut, at the nudie bar.

Where you can't touch a breast, but you can cave in a chest, at the nudie bar.

Where you look at a thigh, and blacken an eye, at the nudie bar.

Where the beer gives you gas, but the Bundys kick ass, at the nudie bar.

Where a buck's enough to see their stuff, at the nudie bar.

Where the breasts may be fake but man do they shake, at the nudie bar.

Where you swear like a sailor, and wish you could nail her, at the nudie bar.

Where the cops are at the door, and there's a Kennedy on the floor, at the nudie bar.

Where Christmas is nice, and lap dances are half price, at the nudie bar.

Where you drink down the shooters, and unwrap the hooters, at the nudie bar.

Where eggnogs are plenty, and the girls all twenty, at the nudie bar.

Al's Wife chant

I've seen her from the front, I've seen her from the back.

I've seen her in a chair, I've seen her in a sack.

I've seen her stand, I've seen her crouch.

I've seen her on her stupid couch.

I do not like her in the mall, I do not like her in the hall.

I do not like her in my life, I do not like my big red wife!

Ironhead Haynes' Nine Commandments

1. It's okay to call hooters "knockers" and sometimes "snack trays."

2. It is wrong to be French.

3. It's okay to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder.

4. Lawyers: see rule three.

5. It is okay to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes.

6. Everyone should car pool but me.

7. Bring back the word "stewardesses"

8. Synchronized Swimming is not a sport.

9. Mudwrestling is a sport.

Old Aid song

We are the old, we've got arthritis,

Our gums are weak [so weak], from gingivitis.

We are the old, we've got arthritis,

We are the ones who wear bifocals, and have bursitis.

There are people younger, but we heed another call,

We really need the money, our accountants took it all.

We sing to you, those who have money,

Once we was cool, but now we just dress funny.

We need your help, so please please dig deep,

Don't call after ten, 'cause we'll be asleep.

We have Medicare, and anti-gas pills,

But without your help, we can't pay our alimony bills.

We are the old, [They are the old,]

We have arthritis. [They have arthritis.]

Once we were gods, now golf excites us. [Golf excites 'em.]

So write a check [a really big one], for our December,

There's one more verse, but we can't remember...

Psycho Dad Theme Song

Who's that riding into the sun.

Who's the man with the itchy gun.

Who's the man who kills for fun!

Psycho Dad. Psycho Dad. Psycho Dad!

He sleeps with a gun, but he loves his son.

Killed his wife 'cause she weighed a ton... Psycho Dad!

A little touched or so we're told.

Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold.

Might as well, she was gettin' old.

Psy-cho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad.

He's quick with a gun, and his job ain't done.

Killed his wife by twenty-one, he's Psy-cho Dad!

Who's that riding in the sleigh.

Who's that firing along the way.

Who's got the most popped on christmas day?

Psy-cho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad.

Who is the tall, dark stranger there.

The one with the gun and the icy stare.

The one with the scalp of his ex-wife's hair.

Psy-cho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!

He's a durn good pa, but he hates the law.

He's to eat it raw, Psycho Dad!

Who's that ridin' across the plain.

Who's lost count of the wives he's slain.

Who is the man who's plum insane!

Psy-cho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!

Psycho Mom Theme Song

Who's the gal who needs no man?

Killed him dead with the frying pan.

Did it 'cause he missed the can.

Psycho Mom, Psycho Mom, she's Psy-cho Mom!



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